The Dark Passenger

Me
She
Always with me.
I sometimes feel like I have two personalities.
I sometimes feel like this other totally different person takes over
It’s me and it’s not me
I would never cheat on my partner
Yet I feel no qualms about having another woman’s man
Some people see me as very quiet and reserved
Others think I’m very loud and sociable
In some respects I am a creature of habit
In others the soul of spontaneity

The Dark Passenger
She thinks things
Does things
Says things
Just because.
She has a cruel mean streak
That I can never justify or explain
She, it was
Who slapped Richard with every bite he refused to take,
Till he finished the food he wanted to waste
She, it was
Who ripped Becca’s bloated self esteem
Exposing the very essence of her self-worth
With an insouciance that was all the more devastating
She, it was
Who thought
I would love to stick a knife in your stomach
Gut you like a pig
See how much of a man you really are,
When your insides start to spew
And you choke on your blood
(Whilst I,
Whimpered and apologised
For giving daddy a reason
To attack and abuse me)
She was the one who wondered
Were mummy to die now,
Would we then be able to escape him and live some semblance of a normal life?

My Dark Passenger
For as long as I can remember
That voice that speaks to me
That instinct that warns me of danger
Heightens the awareness of my surroundings and environment
That aspect that takes over
Sometimes unbidden,
Sometimes unconsciously
She is usually very patient and silent
She forever watches,
Forever keeps tabs and records
Waiting until an opportunity arises
Until someone gives her an opening
Presents her with an excuse to take over
To unleash her fangs
People think they can mess with me
They grossly underestimate her
Deon still has the scars from our fight
Catherine keeps a safe distance after our encounter
It took 4 hours for the ranting and raving to subside

The Dark Passenger
Has a murderous temper that scares me sometimes
There is no sense of reasoning or rationale
She becomes feral
All she knows is to attack
Find a weak spot and tear at it as viciously as possible
I try and counteract her as much as I am able
I have no idea of the limits she would go
I have no wish to truly find out
I am however forced to admit
The dark passenger is me
A part of me
I try and fight her sometimes
But it is oh so delicious to just give in
Sublime to let go and let her do her thing
I luxuriate in the fear she elicits
The uncertainty that sparks up in people’s eyes
When they realise they have crossed the boundary
I relish sinking my teeth into their pain
And the agony I know I can impact.

My dark passenger
Forever fused, she and I
She is the yang to my ying

Work In Progress (Uncertainty)

I've started writing again - or at least getting ideas. I found this which I wrote a while ago but never got round to finishing or editing completely. I like it's unfinished state though - it gives it a frisson of disquietude which is what the character is also feeling. As usual I have two versions. My friend who read it thought it was one piece so I'll leave it as is. It is a lot shorter, you will find, than some of my other more indecisive ones ;-)

The structure of this was also inspired by Kafo. She writes beautifully but also does some amazing things with the structure of her poems which have such a powerful impact.
Hope you have a great weekend.

Uncertainty

A million and one questions going through my head
What?
Why?
Where?
A million and one times checking my emails
A million and one times checking for messages
A million and one times picking up my phone
What?
Why?
When?

A million and one times wondering what it was
A million and one times wondering why it changed
A million and one times wondering when all this happened
A million and one times wondering what the hell is going on?
A million and one times berating myself for doing this.

I sit here waiting
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
For the umpteenth time
I check my messages
I pick up my phone
I put it down again
For the umpteenth time
I check my emails
I scan for new ones
I reread old ones

Thousands of questions riot through my brain
Millions of conclusions come racing to mind
Nevertheless, those overwhelming questions keep pounding at me
What is going on?
Why is this happening to me?
When did it all change?
Where is this all going?
How can I fix this?

So I sit here waiting.
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting.

Foreplay

Loll - I wrote this aeons ago. I know I probably shouldn't put it up as it's super explicit but I'm hoping I can slip it in without people noticing ;-)
Much like actual foreplay, it can be hit and miss. There are no guarantees I wont put it down again. Also sometimes like foreplay - it is very LONG! Hopefully you will be too swept away to notice.

P.S - I think I was inspired by Idemmli when I first wrote this. I had just started reading her blog and she is amazing. She TOTALLY puts me to shame with this. Please check her out for a view of how to REALLY write.

Sex – Foreplay

It starts with a touch
A gentle stroke down my back
He knows that’s where I’m most sensitive
His palm grazes the top of my arse
As his fingers trace up and down
Already I can feel my juices pooling.

I turn over and look at him
All I can see is soft delectable lips
Next thing I know we are kissing
Long deep kisses full of tongues
Twisting, inter-twining, thrusting
His hands are touching bare skin
I feel them slide up to my breasts
My nipples harden instinctively
They are painfully distorted
Until he cups them
Oh the bliss of his hands

My top comes off
He is nuzzling my breasts
Soft wet kisses initially
Then deep suckling as he gorges on them
One, the other and back again
Someone is moaning very loudly
With a start I realise it is me

He looks up to watch my expressions
Licking his way up my neck
He travels to my ear lobe
And bites
My head flings back as my back arches in pleasure
He thrusts his tongue into my ear
Heat, moist, delirium

I cannot take it anymore
I push him off and clamber on top
He is my prisoner to do with as I see fit
His chest is broad and wide
His little man nipples beckon invitingly
Slowly but purposefully I lick my thumbs and then my index finger
Bending, I tweak his nipples with my moistened fingers as I nibble along his jaw line
I start with little wet kisses
And bite my way down his neck
I continue down those broad shoulders
Till I arrive at his chest.
I try and draw on his nipple
He is very lean and taut, so there is not much to suck on
Instead I start to flick my tongue as fast as I can over that hardening point
His noises of appreciation spur me on.

Meanwhile, his hands are travelling up my thighs
They continue till he gets to my ass and discovers there are no panties
His hand slides over my pussy
He can feel the wetness trickling out of me
I look up to see the gleam of satisfaction in his eyes
This is when he puts his finger into that deep aching space between my things

I start to lick my way down till I hit his boxers
Due to the odd angle, his fingers slip out
But I’m glad.
I don’t need the distraction
Sliding his boxers down
I see a thatch of hair which spreads till his penis is exposed
The press of his boxers as I slide them off keeps it pressed down
As soon as he’s free,
It springs up and lies on his stomach
All those inches and girth just waiting for me to do with as I please.
I focus on his balls
I can see they look painfully engorged
Deciding they need some attention, I take them into my mouth
I am careful to roll them around gently
I don’t want him exploding on me too quickly
Coming up I can see pearl drops glistening at the head
In one feel swoop, I put his dick in my mouth
He is quite big so I have to open up wider as I slide my mouth down his shaft
I know he likes it
He is practically thrusting in my mouth

Coming up for air
I use my hands to stroke up and down as I sit straddling him.
Taking advantage of the situation,
He lifts and flips me over, pinning me beneath him
Holding on to my knees
He prises my thighs apart
Grasping my shaking limbs
He starts to kiss around the edges of my labia
Hearing my moue of anticipation
He launches at my clitoris
Licking, sucking, twirling

I am mewling and twisting the sheets
In almost direct mimicry of my assault on his nipples,
He starts tapping and flicking my clitoris frantically with his tongue
I go frantic with desire and grab hold of his head, pushing down
I am close and he can tell
My thighs are throbbing and I don’t think I can hold out much longer
He changes tactics to prolong my agony
Moving his head further back
He uses his fingers to hold me wider
He then sticks his tongue into my hole
And twists searching for my g-spot
He finds it and taps his tongue upward
As I was so close,
That movement totally undoes me
I come screaming and gushing into his mouth

Licking his lips, he smiles as he gets up
Unnoticed he reaches and slips a condom on
I am still clenched in the throes of passion,
Squeezing every last drop of my orgasm.
He stretches over me and cups my face
Looking into my eyes, he bends and kisses me
Spreading my legs apart
He finally proceeds to enter me with a deep forceful thrust.

The Invitation

The envelope was quite innocuous
The handwritten address piqued my interest
But I ripped through it without regard
The large elaborate bow was the first sign of discordance
All satiny and bright gold
Lying against its stiff cream cardboard bed.
Who could possibly be getting married that I didn’t know about?
With a growing sense of disquiet,
I gently unravelled the bow

Ahhhhhhhh.
I had been preparing myself for this
Yet it still caught me unawares
He really was going to marry Her.
I couldn’t believe I actually got an invitation
Was I expected to attend?
Was I supposed to stand there and watch
As He pledged to love and honour Her?
Could I go and truly be happy for Them?

With several thoughts and memories swirling inside my head
I carefully re-tied the bow.
Taking care to ensure it looked perfect,
I slid it back into its torn shelter.
Picking up my other letters and bills,
I placed them into the bottom drawer of my desk.