Ode to friendship

Tessa was my best friend, closest confidante, the works. Women tend to have different friends for different purposes - we tend to spread our probelms between all of them. Well she was it for me, I told her EVERYTHING. She was the person who knew me the best. We would talk 5/10 times a day. If anything of interest (however minute) happened, she knew about it. And vice versa. This poem expresses my feelings now - 2/3 years after our friendship dissolved. The reality has been altered and exaggerated but the emotion speaks true.

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She was my bestfriend, damn near my sister
So where did the love go?
Where did the years of intimacy go?
Where did the “I’ll be there through thick and thin,
I’ve got your back, you’ll always be my girl”
Where did the all the trite, clichéd, but beloved sayings we take for granted go?
We used to know each other’s thoughts
Read each others expressions
Damn well finish each other sentences
So where did the understanding go?
That unconditional love that is given to family
Which ultimately understands and forgives all
She was my bestfriend, damn near my sister
A lifetime of closeness
That should count for something right?
The decades of making plans
“You will be my chief bride’smaid,
my children have a godmother,
the kids will go to Cool aunty’s house to play,
At least you’ll have a lawyer to cover your shady malpractice suits”
Where did all that go?
How can the future that was mapped out and covered in such minute detail
The past that was so heavily engrained that it bled with tears, laughter, life
How did all that disappear?
Wiped like it never was,
Smooth like a distant dream
Was it all a fig of my imagination?
Did I truly think that we were so close?
That our countless fights and make-ups just strengthened our relationship
That all the emotional angst we expunged
All the tears we shed together,
The anxiety over this and that she calmed or I dismissed
The fears and issues we banished and overcame
The “I’m your rock and your mine”
The “absolutely no guy can come between us even if we both like him”
How could all that fucking go?
She was my bestfriend, damn near my sister
She picked me up from the blackest depression
I damn near saved her life from her disorders
Her name was my first thought for anything
Her imprint was stamped all over my life.

Now it’s faded.
Why is pointless to ask
I know now that I was mistaken
Miscommunication is bitch
An even more traitorous one when it clouds the purest intentions
What hurts most is that she’s fading.
I don’t think of her anymore,
She just doesn’t feature on the radar!
How am I still standing, surviving, living?
How can I not need her in my life?
How can I not want to tell her the minutest detail of my day?
How can I not want to share the latest major drama in my life?
How can I not even think about her until someone mentions her name?

This is an ode to friendship
Sometimes it ends. Sometimes it doesn’t.
I mourn our friendship but I don’t miss her.
She was my bestfriend, damn near my sister
I loved her. I no longer do.