Panic

So I probably said this ages ago when I used to write properly but a lot of what I write just pops into my head randomly and I am compelled to write it. Sometimes I'd be watching something which would strike a chord or read something or meet someone, but 99% of the time my poetry is never about me.

This is the 1%. This time last year I was going through a very difficult time and I like to think of myself as not being very emotional in general. This day however, I had a mini panic attack and completely lost control. I found myself bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating in the games room at work, which has a clear glass wall. Anyone walking by or in the breakout could have seen and possibly heard me but I couldn't control it or make myself stop. But anyways - I got through it and a year on things are better.  I truly hope to never feel that way again.


Panic

Fear lances through my heart
Squeezes my chest in an iron-barbed grip
I have no control of this situation
I have no concept of what I am going to do
My airways are suddenly congested
I am struggling to breathe though my nostrils
The confusion and unfamilarity of this feeling
is causing me to hyperventilate
My eyes feel heavy and are starting to burn
Am I crying? 
Fuck I'm crying!
Loud wracking sobs with chest heaving
Tears streaming down my face
In tandem with the snot dripping from my nose
And I cant make it stop ...
I cant make it stop!
What am I going to do?

Image

Look at my creation

What do you see?

An image of a woman smiling?

She was probably laughing her head off a moment ago

Merriment dancing in her eyes

Is it confusion? Wonder? Impatience?

What makes her smile drop ever so slightly with each passing frame?

Tiredness? Weariness? Wanting to get this moment over and done with?

I see a sadness in her eye

Particularly at the last moment

The wattage of her smile

Gleam in her eye has dimmed to black

Her guard has slipped ever so slightly

Almost like a front has dropped

You can see through the smile

To the underlying sorrow in her gaze

This is a woman in pain.

Woman in a photograph

I want to be the woman
In an Annie Leibovitz photograph
That commands respect
Has an innate beauty
Without a scrap of makeup
And laughter lines round her eyes
Without a crazy outfit or
Dramatic background to hold your gaze
But that awe-inspiring charisma
That stops you in your tracks
Makes you look back
Do a double take.

Carnage

The smell hits me first

The blood that streamed in rivulets is beginning to cake

Flies have started to perch in swarms

This is a massacre

My Massacre.

The screaming in my head

Drowns out everything he is saying

Then Silence.

Dead Silence.

He did this for me.

Our eyes meet and I know

He can see the torrents of emotions

Washing over me

What do I succumb to?

Glee. Satisfaction. Revelry

My tormentors have been defeated

Horror. The sheer scale …

Savagery of his violence

Regret. I would have watched

Seen them fall one by one

Wonder. How did he do this?

Wring this much damage and destruction

Single-handedly…

Fear.

If he can do this to them

Can he do this to me?

Will he do this to me?

Eventually?

Hamster On a Wheel

Keep going
Keep going
Legs churning
Chest burning
Keep going
Keep going
Grab the cheese
Bite the carrot
Keep going
Keep eating
Sip champagne
Down the whisky
Keep going
Keep drinking
Sugar high
Dizzy low
Keep going
Keep going
Working stupid
Sleeping little
Keep going
Keep pushing
Television all night
Seeing friends all day
Keep going
Keep trying
Feel the pressure
Feel the stress
Acid burning
Breath gasping
Keep going
Keep pushing
Ground lifting
Stomach heaving
Keep going
Keep turning
Heart booming
Chest exploding
Legs twitching
Arms flailing
No more movement
Breath fades
Everything stops

The end