Solitaire

I play Solitaire because it whiles away the time
It keeps the loneliness at bay
It stops me from over-thinking
Prevents me from accepting you were right
I loved the idea of you
As clichéd as it sounds
I held on because it was such a great idea
Despite everything, I still want it.
I realise I burnt my bridges a long time ago
And truly I have no regrets
I just miss having someone to talk to
Someone who causes some kind of emotion to well within me
On whose life I make some sort of impact.
As much as I hate to admit it,
I want a partner
I want an equal
I want someone that completes me.
I am tired of soldering through life on my own
I am tired of living vicariously through my friends
I am tired of constantly reliving my memories
Searching for proof I was once capable of emotional depth.
I am tired of feeling like an immortal
Gliding through life, skimming the experiences of others
Yet unable to be an actual participant in any meaningful way
I am tired of this lonesome journey I find myself on.

I play Solitaire because I am able to compete without penalties
I can carry on playing until I win
I play because I must win at all odds
I play because it closes everything else off
I play until I am spent.

Pre You

You once asked me
“Who was/is she to you?”

I couldn’t answer then
There were no words

She was you,
Before YOU came along.

The Haunting

I woke up with a very sudden start, a racing heart

I could still taste you on my tongue
I could still feel the imprint of your lips
I am still reeling from the force behind the kiss

It was so vivid, felt so real
I remember saying I could never resist you
Now you’re haunting my dreams ...

Dear lord, what does this mean?

Home

I wrote this as I was editing the format for Africa. It just came to me and i was reminded of Nigeria and how much I miss it. :-)

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Home is heat and humidity
Hot air like a vacuum that sucks out all moisture
Followed by a flitting flirtful breeze

Home is the hot spicy smell of cooked food
Flavours so intense your mouth dissolves
Tastes that command nothing short of gluttony

Home is the tensile climate
Where my skin glows, my hair shines, my nails pop
My body comes into its own

Home is where I find my rhythm
Where I glide gracefully and strut with pride
I dance like the flames of a roaring hungry fire

Home is where my innate style abounds
Head-ties reach for the sky and jewellery glisten from every orifice
Outlandish outfits are de rigueur

Home is where the colours live
Clash in vibrant war and jostle for space in obscure corners
Dictate the roles and functions of day to day life

Home is where the sounds delight
The dialects of my people sing and heady music guides out feet
The hustle and bustle a reverberating hum

Home is where my customs dicate
Where I kneel unselfconsciously in greeting
Serve unbidden with a happy heart and joyful spring

Home is my family
Where my ancestors and the extended fingers of relatives reside
Home is where my heart lies.

Africa

To me, to you, to them.

To Them

Africa is like a rich chocolate cake
Layers upon layers of treasures and resources
A place to plunder and ravage
Nectar a hundred fold sweeter,
Bounty a thousand times greater.
A never ending well of finance, commerce, wealth
Where Ignorance, Illiteracy, Greed and Corruption,
Can be twisted to nefarious advantage.
A dumping ground for all types of rubbish
A ready made test site for any mad scheme and concoction
A luscious hunting ground where “the savages” are the prey
And where religion, ideals and refinement are to be imposed.

To You

Africa is exotic
An adventure.
Of Mangoes and Guavas,
To Zebras and Giraffes
Something new and brave
An alien country.

A place where foreign currency,
Makes you King or Queen for your stay.
A place where everything is available at your beck & call
Where the right accent and skin colour
Elevates you to a different caste,
Earns you the right to preferential treatment
A place where the beggars and urchins are an eyesore
Where the shantytowns and ghettos are crime riddled nests.

A place where the local customs are quaint
But “Yuck! They eat with their hands”.
A place where you marvel at the beauty and luxury of your surroundings
But secretly laugh at the intonations of the owners
Where you recoil at the touch of a local
Yet can buy anyone you want or simply just take it.

A place where you can forget who and what you are.
An escape from the drum and drudge of your daily existence
Your dream holiday/vacation.

To Me

Africa is home
It is the crying woman fraught with worry
Scared her children may not survive the night.
Death lies in the unsheltered bitter night chill
The blistering relentless day sun
The lack of drinkable water
Water that can only be obtained after a 5 mile trek
The unsanitary environment
Incorporating copious diseases and terrible maladies.
It is the prospect of civil war and ethnic cleansing
Of having your neighbours and friends butcher you in a senseless genocide
Having your leaders plunder your strength, your pride, your work, your life.

For me, Africa is that shrivelled old woman
Stooped with age and the lines to show for it
With the baggage she’s forced to lug about
The ever continuous struggle
Despite all odds, the refusal to give up hope
The belief that she will make it to the other side
The land of peace, of joy, of the plentiful
That all will work out well in the end
Because it simply has to.

You Made My Heart Smile

Basically, you made my heart smile.

We used to chat for ages on the phone
With one word, you could always tell how I felt
You always knew when I was upset
Or if something was bothering me.

You always made me laugh
You delighted me with your insightfulness
Stirred up my intellectual thoughts as we debated different points,
Sometimes for hours on end.

I still think of you whenever I watch a movie
I remember how you always like movies that start immediately
(No gimmicks or intros)
I remember how looking at you took my breath away
And how much I loved (love) your dimples.

You got me
You understood me
You always knew the right thing to say
And exactly how to give me what I needed

Basically, I miss you.

Skips A Beat

You never fail to get me
Every. Time. :-

You walk into the room
My heart skips a beat

You smile at me
My heart skips a beat

I hear your voice on the phone
My heart skips a beat

I see your name flash up in an email
My heart skips a beat

I hear someone talk about you
My heart skips a beat

We are together
My heart skips a beat

We make eye contact
My heart skips a beat

I catch you staring at me intensely
My heart skips a beat

You bend to kiss me
My heart skips a beat

Every time
I think about you, imagine you, remember you …
My. Heart. Skips. A. Beat

The Best I Ever Had

It was soft,
So soft
His tongue brushed my lip,
Teased the space between.
Unbidden my lips parted
Hot
So hot
The feel of his tongue against mine
The rolling and stroking of his tongue
Against the perimeters of my mouth
Sweet
So sweet
The taste of him
Deeper and deeper
The kiss continued
My hands caressing the nape of his head
Drawing him even closer
Loss
Oh dear loss
As our lips draw apart reluctantly
Wow
He literally took my breath away.
My eyes flutter open seconds later
My glazed eyes slowly start to focus again
I see him smiling down at me
Those lips
Those utterly delicious lips
Our eyes connect
And we start all over again.

To My Not Least Favourite Person

Being with you, around you, in your presence,
I come alive, I sparkle, I shine.
I sound more intelligent, I’m witty, I’m charming.
There’s a skip in my step, a twinkle in my eye, a smile on my lips.
I laugh constantly
I talk non-stop
There’s always something to do.


You elicit the fun, weird, kooky side of me
You also elicit the playful, mischievous, stubborn side of me
People say we argue too much,
I say we spark off each other
I love everything about the way we interact


It’s only when I see you again
That I realise how much I miss you,
And how much I miss me
The person I become when I am around you.

All Over Again

My head feels heavy with unshed tears
My body aches with having to enforce control
I can’t think
I can’t feel
I can’t speak …
For fear of breaking down completely.


My heart is breaking
Try as much as I want
The pieces keep falling away
It’s happening all over again.

She

She came gliding towards me
I watched as she shimmied her way past the crowd
Hips undulating in rhythm with the music
She locked eyes with me and held my gaze

An upbeat tempo
Her stance became more aggressive
She was the predator and she stalked me
She danced right up close and pinned me to the wall

Her breath ran down the length of my body
Her movements traced every curve
Her hands flitting, exploring hidden crannies
Her body moulding against mine

We shared the same breath
Her eyes swept to the curve of my lips
She pressed even closer
Licked her lips in anticipation

We could have been the only people in the room
I was completely mesmerized
This daemon, succubus, vampire, (woman!),
Held me completely enthralled

I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move
I didn’t know what to do with my hands
I couldn’t move my eyes from her gaze
I was very hot, very wet, extremely bothered.

The music stopped
Loud clapping broke the spell
We had garnered an audience
She broke away, gave a little bow to the crowd

With a blown kiss, she skipped off to find new prey
My knees finally gave way and I sank into a nearby chair
Flushed eyes, nipples pebble hard
I looked and felt … thoroughly spent.

First Stirrings

I’m doing the last bits of cleaning when the door bell rings.
He’s here!
I bound down the stairs and open the door
Uncontrollably, a smile spreads across my face
His eyes crinkle in delight
I step into his outstretched arms
Even though it’s a crisp chilly morning
I only feel the warmth of him
And that delicious manly smell of him.

We are lying in bed.
My head has settled into that nook on his shoulder
He’s reading the paper
I’m watching him read the paper
He looks soo intelligent in his absorption
He turns to look at me and my heart stops
We stare into each others eyes for moments
My breath catches as he leans closer
He smiles, kisses my forehead, turns back to the paper.

We are walking down the street
We are holding hands and our steps are synchronised
He lets me bully him into trying new things
He’s indulgent of my bossiness
I pout when he refuses point blank to get the rainbow scarf
But giggle and squeal as he chases after me and twirls me off my feet
It seems like we’ve been doing this forever
It is so natural.

We are back in my flat
It is soo cosy and warm
We drop the bags in the living room
He turns back to the hallway to hang his coat
I follow because I cannot bear to be apart from him
I reach for a hug and he wraps his arms around me
I feel like I’m truly home now.
I do what I’ve wanted to do all day
He tastes of winter, spice, warmth and the promise of soo much more

I really like this guy.
More importantly, I like that I like him.

Peering Through The Banisters

Dedicated to all the children who have escaped through the rabbit hatch - broken bones and all.

Everchange also has an interesting post, which dwelves into the psyche of abusers.

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I’m crouching at the top of the stairs
The sounds woke us up
Richard followed to see what was going on
Raised voices, Mummy shouting
(Mummy never shouts)


I try and make myself as small as possible
So they don’t notice me
She’s struggling for the door
He lifts her and slams her to the ground.
Richard gasps in shock
I clasp my hand to his mouth
To keep him from shouting out
(HE mustn’t notice us!)


Mummy flies and jumps over him
She is almost through the door
He slams it hard on her
I hear something crunching
She cries out in pain.
“I’m leaving William, I’m leaving!
You can’t stop me
You are going to have to kill me …”


My heart is racing
I start to cry silently
My mind is torn in two
Part of me wants her to go,
Flee the night, escape.
The other part is scared
(Please don’t leave me Mummy
Don’t leave me here with him)


They continue to struggle on the floor
He’s hitting her repeatedly
I can see her blood staining the carpet
She turns her head and our eyes meet
She sighs and shakes her head
She didn’t want me to see this
The fight has left her.


He looks up and catches us
Terror clamps my chest
“Go back to your room NOW!”
We get up and run to bed
I hide under my blanket and listen out
I hear nothing.


The next morning.
We wake up and go down for breakfast
Everyone sits at their normal places
Except for the housegirl scrubbing the carpet,
We all act like nothing happened.

Another Work day

Sitting at work feeling tired
Look out of the window to grey skies
Feeling blue and lethargic
Drinking copious amounts of coffee
And sneaking the odd piece of chocolate.
Fighting back the yawns and nervous twitching
Shivering slightly due to the cold air conditioners
(Sheesh! It's winter people!)
Staring into the screen in the hopes of focusing on work
Playing with my phones and checking for mesgs
Scanning through emails to kill time
Wrapping up in my pashmina to garner some warmth
(making the battle against sleep even harder)

Ah I want to go home and huddle up in bed.
The countdown for 6 o'clock has begun.

Downtown

I couldn't decide what name to choose from between Getting head/Down South/Booty Call for this, but have since gone with popular conjecture, which i then changed to Downtown when I saw the SWV video again (totally didn't get it at the time - loll)

Oh and this is dedicated to Soul who’s poem [Soul – why] and impatience pushed me to write this, as well as OWNB, who's openness about sex makes me feel slightly brave.

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Downtown

It’s 3.40am
I’m running to the shower but he beats me to it.
The doorbell rings as I’m wrapped in my towel.
Ahh well, I asked for it.
I can’t keep him waiting.
I open the door.

We are on the floor in the living room.
My towel has dropped by the hallway
He is licking me out.
His tongue is hot, wet, unimaginable.
This is better than anything I could have dreamed when I called him over
He is stroking my clitoris and the spaces in between
He grasps my thighs and pulls me closer
He slides his tongue into my hole and circles the rim
Oh my god, I want to die

His tongue is twisting …
Tapping …
Searching …
And oh dear lord he finds it.
It is too much
I am moaning, squirming, moving, scratching, pulling
It is too much
I can’t take it anymore
He continues.

And continues,
And continues.
He is trying, bless him, he really is
All of a sudden it hits me
I’m not there anymore
That crazy intense I’m going to explode any second, feeling has dissipated
I have somehow moved from that to this,
This, which is doing nothing for me …
I have lost my mojo.

I tell him to stop
He tries to insist on finishing
But I make him stop.
It was a good effort.
Thanks for coming over.
I’ll call you tomorrow.
Goodbye.

To My Children

To Simi, Zack and Tara
The three beautiful children I dreamed of all my life,
Mummy wants to say she’s really sorry.

Simi the strong responsible one looking after her younger siblings
Zack the debonair rogue with a sensitive side,
As he has an older sister to respect and a younger sister to protect.
Tara the mischievous and irrepressible
The very likeness of her mother

Please forgive me
I should have taken better care
I started off on the right track but I lost my way
I was the good girl
I didn’t smoke, take drugs or sleep around
I was focused on learning and working hard
To become a wonderful mother able to support her kids

I held my mother up as an inspiration
I learnt from her mistakes
I swore never to let a man determine my fate
Or ever have the power to abuse my children
I also determined to develop her strength and compassion
And strived to be half as beautiful on the inside as she is

I thought I was on the right track
I got a good job and was earning money
I had an active social life and many friends
At times, my demons would torment me
And my insecurities threatened to overwhelm.
I threw myself into work and developed new interests
I became good friends with stress and had less time for life
I also took up drinking and neglected my health

The warning signs were there and I chose to ignore them
I put off facing the truth till it kicked me in the teeth
Life forced my hand, I had to face up to the consequences
I have no fear of pain, suffering or even death
I just feel an overwhelming sorrow of how I have failed you
It distresses me to no end that I did this.
I ran away from my problems when I should have faced them bravely
And now it is too late

Motherhood, that sacred concept of life,
Has now been denied me.
The very process my body was made for
That body I have now ravaged and destroyed,
Through neglect and lack of care.
I had soo much to show you and soo much to impart.
I couldn’t wait to suckle you at my breasts
And hold you all in my arms.
You my beautiful wonderful children that I soo looked forward to meeting
How I would have loved you soo.

Please forgive me.
Mummy has cervical cancer and the doctors need to operate.
This means that I can not have children
And you will never come to life.

He took my call

This is very cheesy I know but I think its cute enough to work.

He took my call

His phone was meant to be off
It was in the midst of the lecture
He was sitting in a crowd of people
He took my call

The phone made a disturbance
People started muttering
He was going to divert it, but
He took my call

Our collective “aaawwwws” reverberates
Our cheesy grins are mirrored
I thought of him and called to say hi.
He saw it was me and took the call.

Letting Hope Go

As I sit here trying to do some work
Fragments of past events and highlights of our relationship
Brush past here and there
Like waves rushing to lap at my feet and running off again

Fleeting hints of the levels of emotion you took me too
Wrapping me in a cocoon of nostalgia
A rich and moist history shared
Memories pulling at my heart strings

I have decided to let you go.
No. More like the decision has been made for me
Hope of reconciliation in some possible future,
Died in her sleep last night

Even if you break up with her today
There is no more US to come back to.
I thought you would always love me
It never occurred to wonder if I would always love you.

The times we tried just being friends
Always at the back of my mind
I tailored my shenanigans
So you wouldn’t use them against me should we get back together

Even in the guise of friendship
What you did to me was despicable
It took a while but I forgave you
I figured it made us even

Your attempts to re-instigate our friendship are sweet
It soothes the pain of the day you made me cry
The day I realised I really loved you
Also the day I realised I had truly lost you

I can still think of you and smile
You will always have a special place in my heart
I’m not letting go of our friendship
I’m letting go of the possibility of US.

The Act

I wrote this some time ago - one of my migrating poems - when I was in the midst of a major upheaval which as you can imagine I wasn't too happy about so its a bit disjointed but that also serves to re-create how disjointed I felt.


The Act

Not fine (Part 1 – Rage)

Time has past and I should be over it
But I am still not ready

Platitudes don’t work
They only serve to fill me with silent rage
Don’t say it was for the best
Or everything happens for a reason
Or better yet, things will turn out ok
Those thoughtful, well intentioned phrases
Really those empty meaningless condiments

No it’s not ok and it’s not going to be ok!
If they were they’d be ok by now
Nothing has changed
My life is still one big mess
I am still chocking on my anger, my shock
My sense of this isn’t real, this isn’t happening
Not to me
Not me of all people
Why me?
WHY FUCKING ME???????


Put Together (Part 2 – Despair)

Self pity rains all around me
All I want to do is wallow and revel in it
I am soo tired of the pretense
The constant keeping up appearances
The never-ending “I’m ok, Really I’m fine!”
The “don’t worry about me, I’m doing great!!!”
I exert more energy reassuring everyone I’m ok
Than I do actually trying to feel good.

My body is wound soo tight
It is literally tearing away from stress
It is a constant battle to hold everything together
I cannot afford the luxury of breaking down
I find myself alone in a ring of loved ones
Yet I’m the only one holding me up
If I fall to pieces who will put me backtogether?
All the kings men couldn’t put humpty back together!


Interlude

The show must go on!
I am the regular Friday night Charlie Chaplin
There I go cracking jokes and making folks feel good
Pls ignore the silent tears tracking down my face
All part of the show, It’s what I do – amuse and entertain
If late at night I wonder, why can no one really see me?
I understand it is a case of – the queen is dying, long live the queen!


Lost Little Girl (Part 3 – Pain)

Hush! Can you hear her?
Listen, there she goes again…
Am I really the only that hears her cries?
Sometimes it is quiet sobs of hurt
Other times, big scalding wails of pain,
Piercing screams of rage

She cries cos nobody can hear her
She fills my ears with her emotions
My every waking moment feels like a cacophony
I try to drown her out with music, laughter, words

She demands to be heard
Only then will she quieten
It seems I am the only one with ears to listen
I am scared, fear she will take me over
I can barely hold on to my wits
Yet she cries on and on

I know that if I listen, I will have to take responsibility
I will have to fight her battles and slay her dragons
I am scared because I don’t have the right weaponry
I look around me but no one can help
It seems self-motivation is the only tool left
But how can I wield it when I have lost all sense of self?
And so, I ignore her and carry on day to day
The little girl inside me continues to cry
Unnoticed and unloved.

It bothers me

It bothers me
I thought it didn’t
I even went as far as to push them together
I’ve always said I’d never hold anyone back from finding true love
Just because it didn’t work out with me
Doesn’t mean it can’t work out with my friend

It bothered me
When she called and told me of their first kiss
Unplanned, it just happened
I was silent for a while
But I smiled gracefully and gave her my blessing
Go for it, I encouraged
Do what you have to do

It bothered me
When I saw them together at the party
The secret smiles and furtive glances
The constant touching and holding of hands
I thought stuporific drinking would blind my eyes
It loosened my tongue instead

It bothers me
That I loved him and he loved me not
It bothers me
That I strove for ages to be what he wanted and failed
It bothers me
That he wants you and it is soo easy
It bothers me
Because I feel I wasn’t good enough