Apologies … my mind went somewhere dark tonight. First time I post something in over a year and it's not pretty.
This is dedicated to all the women who have felt the ignominy of invasion – be it of mind, body or esteem. Our soul is ours, they can't touch that.
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The Invasion
I am screaming NO and struggling with all my breath
A pillow is shoved over my head so my cries are muffled.
There is no one to hear them anyway
He is soo big and strong
He pins my arms so easily with one hand
The other spreads my legs even as
I twist and kick with all my strength.
My entire being cries with shock,
As he shoves himself into me
The fight immediately dies in me.
All I can do is cry as he grunts and pants on top of me
I trusted him
I had been soo excited to spend time
Reconnecting with him
We had planned soo much for this trip
I hadn’t thought twice about staying over at his
Or having to sleep in the same bed as him
My torn pyjamas are testament to my naivety
With a loud moan he collapses on top of me
His weight crushes me and I can barely breathe
I am too broken to move or say anything
I have just been raped.
The shock of penetration jars me awake
I open my eyes to see him thrusting into me
I am too shocked to comprehend what is happening
My body shuts down and squeezes him out
He tries to push into me a couple more times
But eventually gives up and turns over.
I lie there and suddenly realise I am shaking
I can’t seem to stop it.
My body is reacting to what has just happened
Even though I can’t wrap my head around it.
I had gone to stay over at his from my night out
We had been seeing each other for a while
But I wasn’t ready to take the next step
We had made out earlier that night
But called it quits before it got too far
I thought it was really sweet how
He hadn’t pushed to go all the way
I fell asleep curling up next to him
Feeling secure that our relationship was progressing.
An hour later and I am still shaking
My eyes are streaming and bloodshot
I am too scared to close them.
Have I just been raped?
As soon as the door closes behind us
He is literally attacking my lips
His arms are crawling everywhere
In no time, my top is off and my trousers are undone
“Whoa! Slow down! What is the rush?
Unheeded, he continues to paw at me
With the sound of ripping fabric,
Alarm bells start to ring in my head
“Take it easy! No need to be soo rough!”
Next thing I know,
He throws me onto the bed.
Now wait just a minute …
I hadn’t signed up for this.
He is not listening to me whatsoever
So I now start struggling in earnest.
It only seems to excite him more
I cannot believe the speed and strength of him.
“Please just STOP! STOP! PLEASE STOP THIS!”
Even as I buckle with all my might
He pins my arms and wrenches my legs apart
He is lying between my legs and trying to free himself
He is too excited to take his pants off
Something clicks that he is actually going to do this
I start to pray out loud -
“PLEASE LORD … DON’T LET THIS MAN DO THIS TO ME!”
It must somehow get to him because
All of a sudden he stops.
He lies still for what seems like an interminable moment
With a deep breath, he sighs and rolls over next to me.
I immediately jump up and grab my strewn clothes.
Running into the bathroom,
I lock the door and try to compose myself.
I am a total wreck but I refuse to let him see
How much he has affected me.
When I eventually come out,
I pick up the rest of my things and leave without a word.
It’s only when I’m safely outside
I feel myself breakdown completely
I almost got raped.
I am curled up in a corner of the room
Counting the minutes till day break
I cannot wait till I can finally leave
And be back in the safety of my home.
This is actually all my fault.
I should have known better.
I knew he had a thing for me
Staying over would have been leading him on.
I felt bad that he had cancelled his plans with the boys
It was his birthday and I had promised to hang out.
I figured we’d have a few drinks,
Watch a movie, hang out and talk
Like usual.
I thought he was joking at first
When he said - “Take off your jeans”
Dumbfounded, I had to ask
“What do you mean take off my jeans?”
“I want to see your legs” he responded,
Very calmly and very matter of fact like.
I laughed him off thinking the alcohol was talking
I stopped laughing
When I found myself grappling with him
As he forcibly started pulling down my jeans.
Something told me struggling would spur him on
Anatgonize him into actual violence
As calmly I could muster I spoke up,
“What are you doing?
Whatever you’re thinking stop.
I am clearly saying no. NO!
I do NOT want you to take off my jeans.
I do NOT want to do this.
I am saying NO.
Think about what you’re doing.
I am very clearly saying No.
You cannot turn round later and say you didn’t know. “
With a sneer, he called me a spoilsport and left me alone.
I am rocking and hugging my knees for comfort.
Could I have been raped?
