Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Insomnia

Hard to imagine that this is the first thing I'm posting this year. :-)

Apologies if this is one of those blogs that you keep checking sporadically in the hope that maybe ... some day ... It seems everyone has quit blogging now adays. I miss a lot of people :-(

I think my creativity is coming back to me - I kinda let it wither for it - so I'll be writing more. No promises as to regularity but I will write more (and finally finish reposting all my oldies)

Happy New Year!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Insomnia

Insomnia
My lover, my best friend
Ok maybe not quite best friend as she can be quite capricious
But definitely one of my oldest,
Most constant, of companions.
I’ve dabbled in flings with all the forms of insatiability
Most notably alcohol, sex, sugar highs …
But they come and go
Insomnia stays true.
She’s always there when I need her
Those nights when my thoughts are all a-twirl
When the pain starts biting and prickling,
Attacking from all sides
Or when the void comes to visit
That empty, sinking, un-fillable feeling
Which sits heavy and toad like upon my chest …
Sometimes I reach out for sleep
But she is a fleeting floozy and way overrated
Besides, who wants that lack of control?
That total lack of awareness and vulnerability to the passing whims of the night?
That false peace which is all too quickly shattered by the simplest things like a sun ray
Or a car backfiring?
Pah! Sleep is for suckers
Insomnia makes me intelligent!
She forces me to read,
Watch television shows,
Catch up on the news,
Stirs up my creativity, (much like now)
Makes me be one with my thoughts
(Or at least gives me the time to actualise them).
Like all good relationships,
There is give and take.
My insomnia can be very demanding.
She drains me of energy
Leaving me tired and listless
Making me most unproductive and quick to snap
Not to mention a sense of constant irritability and impatience.
A few days in and I’m all sallow skin and dark circles.
She takes a lot, my insomnia
But with is all that compared with all the joy and love she lavishes?
I forsee a long and fruitful relationship ahead of us
Perhaps my best one yet.
I must go
Insomnia and I have a long night ahead of us.

The Armour

She stands on the cusp of entry.
The muted sounds of revelry thump through the walls
She knows as soon as she steps in
Eyes will swivel her way, perusing every last detail
The vultures will be waiting to strike
Searching for the slightest hint of fear
To dig in and rip her esteem to shreds


She takes one last look in the mirror.
Panic.
Fuck! Why didn’t I wear the other outfit?
I look ridiculous.
I have broken every law of decency.
My boobs are spilling out everywhere
My skirt is too short – overexposing my dimpled thighs
My ‘love handles’ are like spare tyres
My stomach is bulging most unseemly
Shit! I really should have skipped lunch as well.
People shouldn’t have to see a fat woman in ludicrous clothes
What was I thinking?


Its too late to turn back
Her friends are waiting.
Slinking home is not an option.
She’s here now.
It is going to be a fun party (sure sounds like it)
She will have to deal with it.


She shrugs off the insecurities before they overwhelm her
(Ok you can do this.)
Reaches into the deep well of her consciousness and stands up straight
Steels her nerves with resolve
Dons the chain mail of sophistication and poise
Slaps on the war-paint of glamour and icy regard
Straps on the shield of charm and the spear of intelligence.
She starts to exude that special quality that differentiates her
Her personality is bigger than the body that encases it
It bursts forth permeating her entire aura.


There is no need for a mirror
She knows she’s stunning.
She turns and wraps her self-confidence like a cloak
Sweeps the doors open and strides in majestically
The din of cheers and clamour of greetings is deafening
Her entrance is magnificent.


The doors shut behind her and all is quiet again.




Written July 2006